first week of holiday, not doing anything.

My first week of holiday just passed. Didn’t do much. Spent the first few days after exam at university and watched drama. After i came back home three days ago, i was just sleeping, eating, playing some outdated computer games, read a few pages of book, cleaned my room and all the normal routine for a lazy man.

Don’t have to rush for deadlines. Don’t have to stress myself with any university work. And don’t have to face the computer for half the day. With no responsibility, i started to think about the things i would do when i am free. None. I realised that i don’t know what to do. Yes. There are so many things that i can do. Like trip? Or maybe computer games? Or even books to read? I don’t feel like doing anything. No, it’s not that i don’t want to anything. I am too lazy to do them even though they are all seem interesting. While i am just sitting down there, i started to think again. Of how much time i have wasted on just sitting and staring. And the cycle goes on and on.

So, i am lazy to do anything but at the same time, i feel regret for the time that i have wasted doing nothing. Am i going crazy already? Or i am just suffering from some post-exam psychotic disorder? I don’t know. And i am so lazy to write this entry. But i still manage to write my thoughts down.

I don’t know. I don’t know.

re-introducing myself

Second semester of my second year is finally over. Well i have finished my exam and now waiting for the release of result. So much had happened within this year while this year is not even over yet. I shall not start giving history lesson about how i went through 2009 here. Just want to express myself to others how i have been feeling and what i want to feel.

I feel that i need to do this as there are so many things that people around me, even those that i see everyday, might not know about me. Haha… i wonder why they don’t. They are too insensitive or i am not carrying myself well? Or i simply overlook the importance communication these years ? To be honest, i don’t like this. I don’t like others to see me as someone that i am not. It’s not fair for them as well as for me. I don’t like to be labelled. But i guess this is something that we cannot avoid. Unless we are so neutral that no adjective can be used to describe us. All these while i don’t care how others feel about me. Yes i don’t. And if i said i do, then that is not true. And please take my word on this. But as i start to grow up i realise that this is important. We human live in a world made up of communities and societies. And one of the most basic principle that applies is that you must be accepted in order to survive and stay in the community. So in order to let other accept who you are, you will need to show them who you really are and what you are capable of doing. It’s not changing yourself to suit the society because that is inhibiting self-development and self-potential. Okay. Let’s stop there and come back to the main aim of this post.

Honestly, since the beginning of this year i am slowly losing touch of my own self. As in i become very poor in managing my time. And because of that, i become too attached to my academic, ending up neglecting my friends around and now i can feel that i am losing the ties and become very distant from them. It’s called lonely. And i don’t like this feeling. I know i can do better. I know that this is not the kind of life that i want. I know exactly what i want in life, but i am not going after it. I see it from afar. But i can never reach it, not even closer to it. I am going figure it out this holiday. I am going to learn about myself. And i am going to re-introduce myself when i finally realise myself.

decided, but not concluded

I am bad in making choices. Either it’s order a simple lunch to what to wear (sometimes, ) and also major decisions. I don’t like making decisions. But they say to have the chance to do so is a luxury. Some people don’t get to choose have no freedom and that most of the live in unhappiness. But i think the other way. Choices makes life complicated ! And having to make a choice itself is not a freedom already.

Why do i say so ?

It’s simple. We can’t predict the future and we can only choose one among the choices.

This reminds me of a poem that i was ‘forced’ to study in my secondary school years. Here’s the poem, if you have time to read it, you will be able to get what i am trying to say.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

by Robert Frost

It is until i have to make big decisions that i started to appreciate this poem (and also because i will not be tested in exam for this poem ) I especially like the lines in italics. I wonder how it would be like if i choose another route that that one that i have chosen. I wonder whether the other route gives greater satisfaction and happiness. And i also wonder whether the other route will turn me into a completely different person altogether.

There will be sighs and smiles when you look back at the crossroads. There will also be tears of happiness and sadness. And of course there will be more ‘what if…’ assumptions. Yes they are all written in the history of your life. Cannot be changed and cannot be overwritten. They make up who we are today.

But it makes me wonder, what made us choose what we have chosen? Is it the state of mind at that time? Or is it driven by strong emotions? And how would each of them make the difference in our lives?

there is no Motivation but Determination

About ABC

Attended the last session of self development program today. Learnt something really useful and reasonable. Although i had read about this somewhere but this time it makes more sense because it’s thought by the master students from HELP Uni College.

They said that for any event, this formula is applicable and helpful in making yourself feel better. The formula simply is:

A B C,

where A = activating event, B = behaviour and C = consequences.

(Note: since they have forgotten the remaining D, E and F – let’s just that part because the formula above is powerful enough.)

So, how does this work? Okay, firstly u have an A. Let’s just say that A is the rain (the example that she used while explaining to different group of people = =). Now, you have a rain while u are out for camping. So how would you feel? I guess most of us will start to curse the rain, curse the sky, curse the person who didn’t check the weather forecast, curse their boss (because their boss let them take leaves), curse about the sky for being to hot yesterday (resulting in the rain today = = ). There are just too many things we can use as excuses for things not going our ways. I guess most people will just just either go home and sleep or they would change their plan and do something else, but at the same time complain the whole day. Consequently, they will not have a wonderful day and start FB-ing saying something like “stupid rain” or “i am not going camping anymore”……..

So, how can u change everything that comes after the A? So that you can have a productive day and stay happy.

It’s the THOUGHT that comes right after A and before B. So, before you do anything, just think. Don’t just start blaming others. Think of the rain as being an indication that it means something. Maybe it means that you can tried out camping in the rain (example by the speakers ) or you can just sit in the car and chat while looking the raining scene (now do we do that at all?) and ……..

Just change your THOUGHT and things go fine and smooth. I had actually tried this before, long before the talk yesterday and it really worked. But then it’s quite difficult to apply in all situations. For example those events that mean a lot to you which u cannot afford to make mistakes. Anyway, it still comes down to us whether we are willing to make a change in our thoughts.

if now is not the time, then when it is?

I know i procrastinate. I like to do things last minute. Yes, i admit that i am lazy (although most people don’t see this) and sometimes not even taking care of myself. I would have this kind of feeling all the time: nevermind, i can always do it next time. there’s still time…

It makes me wonder when would be the time to do things that i really wanted to be. It’s been so convenient for me to just drag things and end up not doing them. And most importantly, i start to lose touch of myself. I don’t know what i like anymore. I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. Finally, i don’t have a dream and purpose in life anymore. It might sound very exaggerating at first. But for those people who think like me in this situation would understand, that once you don’t do it now, you will never do. Because it’s just a way for escape. An easy way out. A lousy alternative. A silly expectation. And a lie.

Therefore, after much thought and reflecting. I want to start doing things that i want, which will make me feel happy and contented. I want the life that i have always dream of. I want to achieve goals that i have set for a long long time, those that i have forgotten and of course those that i still aware of now.

I don’t want to waste my life anymore. I don’t want to wake up one day and realise that i am too old for many things. I don’t want to look at others and start complaining of my own life. I want to feel how it’s like to be there, to achieve what you have planned and to let others be proud of me.

I want to live in the present.

Current situation

It’s been a while since i last posted something here. I know it’s cliche. Many university students said the same thing. Like they don’t have time to post. Don’t have the mood to post. Bla bla bla. It’s true you know in case you don’t believe it. I have struggled hard enough especially this year to juggle my studies and at the same time looking after my friends and family, and of course myself. It’s not easy at all. When you manage one party, you will fail to do well in the other. There’s always sacrifice that you need to make because without input, there will be no output.

Since i am so busy with so many things, why would i want to waste my 5 minute here when u can go take a short nap (yea, u heard right!)? Honestly, i don’t really know the reason. Maybe my subconcious mind is trying to let others know how hardworking i am or it’s not fun being a university students. They say it’s much more frightening when you go out to work later. Sorry, but i am just too caught up here with my problems that i don’t have time to think so far. Oh well, at least i am only thinking about the places that i want to after all this mess.

The thing is besides completing my work and assignments, i don’t have much time. Not to mention going out to have a one-day fun without having to think of the assignment that is awaiting me on my desk at home. All i want is just too have some time off and not think of any university work. Is that too much? (I know my semester break is coming… but…)

Farewell to Michael Jackson

My impression towards Michael Jackson is quite negative. Well, maybe what i just said have offended some MJ fans. But this is what i thought before his death. Whenever i came across his news, almost all of them were very disappointing. There were news of him suffering from a huge debt; accused of sexual abusing children; dressing himself and his children inappropriately; ‘funny-looking’ face being captured and critisised. There were just too many bad news about him that i have heard. And i have never heard of any positive news coming from him for the past few years.

In fact, i have heard of many of his songs but they do not make me his fans. Perhaps i am not so interested with his style. Of course there are a couple of songs that i like such as Heal the World, Earth Song, We Are the World and You Are Not Alone. And when the whole world is looking forward to his ‘impossible mission’ to perform live which he had just announced this year, we were shocked by the news of his sudden death. I still remember the day that i found out of the news of his death. It was a Thursday, a day after my last paper. That morning for me was unlike the many days before it because i no longer had to lock myself to the notes and books. I went to the computer lab of my uni to update myself of the ‘outside world’ as i did not have ‘contact’ with anything outside Sunway, literally. And then i started looking up for news online. The first news, and of course the headlines of the online newspaper was Michael Jackson’s death. To be honest, i couldn’t believe my eyes at all at that time because there was no signal that he was going to leave us prior to his death. I mean he was not terminally sick. He just ‘left’ us one fine morning. The man who was coined ‘King of Pop’ just passed away like that. The man who had created countless records and won away the hearts of so many people can be so fragile when it comes to death.

So i started thinking. How has he influenced my life even though i don’t listen to his music that much? Hence i allow myself to think this way: How would the world and the music industry be without him? I guess the answer would be simple. It would be very different. Without his influence, i can predict that the music industry would not be as interesting and we would not be entertained the way that MJ entertain us. The pop music would not grow as fast and like how it is now if it wasn’t him. His dances had open our eyes. His music also put the people around the world together. The presence of MJ has affected our lives without us realising it.

I just want to say thank you MJ and may you rest in peace after a tiring journey that you had on Earth.

holiday mood and some updates from me

Holiday’s here.

I have been praying for this period to come so badly as i did not enjoy at all the workload and stress that i have to deal with in university. Back at my home, i feel so relaxed and laid back. It’s like i don’t have to worry about anything. I can sit on the sofa all day without having to rush any of my assignment. I can even sleep the whole day if i really want (but i won’t do that!).  What i am trying to say is that i can’t feel anymore care-free than now. Well, maybe i should find something more beneficial to do than just sit in the house and do nothing. I had given some thought about it, but when i start to think further, that i won’t be able to have this kind of ‘luxury’ afterwards, i immediately cancel any plan that involves too much effort I guess what i am going to do in this 3-week holiday is relax myself and read some books.

Second semester of my second year is arriving soon. And i am surprised to find myself midway towards the completion of my course. Time passess really fast. I mean it is so fast that i don’t even realised until i sit down one fine day and start reflecting on my past. Although, half of 2009 has passed, but there are so many things that had happened. So many twists and lessons. So many feelings and experience. One of the most significant things that i have learnt is appreciation. The times that we spend with our family and friends. They are  too valuable and can never be replaced by anything. Make sure you enjoy the moments, good and bad times, with them because we never know when would the last time be. Therefore, if we want to live in no regrets, don’t ever overlooked these moments. I know it is hard sometimes to tolerate some of them and i do get angry easily with them. Then when i start to see things at different perspectives i learn to fogive and forget. It is not hard at all. All you need is patient.

I am still not ready to go back to university yet. I still need so much rest so i can get ready to face the challenges later. And i know that i will be prepared by the time the next semester starts.

Well, there is not much happening to me. As most of my friends described me as someone who cannot relax myself and are always serious and tense about life, i try to let myself relax totally during this holiday. Basically there is only one word that can describe the condition that i am in now – unoccupied.

Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer’s Day?

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm’d;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm’d;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

by William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

Just bumped into this beautiful poem few seconds ago and decided to write something about it.

I remember the first time that i actually came into contact with this poem was during my secondary school years. This poem was one of the few poems that we needed to study in English Literature. To be honest, i did not enjoy very much studying poems or literature. It’s not that i don’t like literature. I just prefer to read them during my free times.

Surprisingly, i find myself admiring this poem more than ever. More than few years back when i needed to study it for examinations.

Anyway, hope you enjoy the poem and try to read not just the lines of the poem, but more than that.